I'm working on doing a bit of updating to give you even more of me (and there's plenty to go around I can assure you). But, if you just cant stand waiting for new content to be posted here I have added even more ways for you to keep up with my daily ongoings. Add me to your favorite social network!
Facebook - www.facebook.com/thatvery.fatguy
Twitter - www.twitter.com/thatveryfatguy
Instagram - Username: thatveryfatguy
MeetMe - http://www.meetme.com/?mysession=cmVnaXN0cmF0aW9uX3Byb2ZpbGUmdXNlcmlkPTU2Mzc5Nzg4
Kik - Username: thatveryfatguy
If you have a suggestion for another social media site that I'm not currently using, let me know in the comments below.
Friday, December 28, 2012
Sunday, December 9, 2012
Contemplating Murder
Welcome to hell. And by hell I mean a severe lack of sleep caused by stress, fatigue and a neighborhood dog that will soon move from this life to the next. Yes, its 4:30am and I'm awake because of a damn dog. So, as I sit here I am contemplating ways to end the poor pups life.
Now, the way I see it I have several options here. If I choose to act quickly I will need to be pretty quiet about it. I thought about antifreeze, but of course, I'm not proactive enough to have any of that on hand. So to pull that off I would have to get dressed and make an early morning run to Walmart just to buy the stuff. I can see myself now standing at the checkout line, facing the cashier with bloodshot eyes looking like every bit of the type of person you'd see on peopleofwalmart.com with a single jug of antifreeze. I could probably pull this off were it below freezing out but its a nice 55 degrees currently and I'd probably have difficulty finding the right words to explain myself. "No Ma'am, I have absolutely no intentions of pouring this sweet fluorescent liquid into a bowl and letting my neighbors dog slowly drink it while I pet its poor little head and watch it slowly but surely die a painful death." Plus, I'd have a paper trail linking me to the crime with a receipt and a credit card purchase the night of the murder because I'm too lazy to stop and get cash first. So that options out.
I then thought about just taking care of business in the most manly way possible and grabbing a knife, walking up to the pup, taking its shoulders between my legs, grabbing it by the snout, lifting its head to expose the neck and then WHACK. No more barking dog. This method too contains certain factors that make it a less-than-viable solution to my problem. As with any physically morbid act involving a knife there is cleanup involved. Cutting the jugular of a medium-large canine would likely result in quite a bit of bloodshed. On the animal itself, on the ground and even on the knife of choice. I would have to dispose of the murder weapon and clean up the mess so that it looks like an accident. I thought about hanging it by the gaping wound from the neighbors chain link fence and portraying the picture of an animal who tried to escape but couldn't quite jump high enough. This would never work however because the fence has smoothed over edges and the worst possible damage it could cause is a scratch. Also, this beast has already trenched several holes beneath the fence that are now blocked with stolen road signs and blocks of wood (yeah, I have classy neighbors) so there is no way anyone would buy into that scene. Also, there is always a chance that I'd be seen whilst performing the act and there is absolutely no way I could talk myself out of that one:
"This is Lindsey Clark with the Channel 2 News standing just outside a small Oklahoma town neighborhood where animal cruelty has taken an unfathomable turn. Sometime in the early morning hours a masked man of large proportions was seen approaching this house, where a family is now in tears over their lost pet. The man, apparently frustrated from the barking dog, decided to take matters into his own hands. Wielding a knife, he murdered this poor animal in cold blood by slitting its throat. That alone was not enough. He then took the animal and put it on display by hanging it here on the homeowners chain link fence for the world to see. (Camera flashes to dog with pool of blood at its suspended feet and 2 children standing next to it crying while stroking its cool fur and saying their goodbyes). What type of man would do such a thing, we have a woman who claims to have seen the perpetrator in action and go now to Mark Johnson who is standing by with her, Mark"
Mark: "Thanks Lindsey, I am standing here with Phyllis Jones who just lives across the street from the horrific crime who claims to have seen the act take place. Phyllis, take a moment please and describe to us what you saw."
Phyllis: "Well Mark, Ise jus mindin my own bidness dis mornin when I herd da dog start-a-barkin. Now dat dog dont never hurt nobody he jus probly yappin at some rabbits er squirrels er sumptin. But, Ise mindin my bidness and come outside to have me a smoke cuz my mama whos 80 has oxygen and ise cant smoke in da house. So ise sittin on the porch havin me a smoke when I seen a big critter walkin towards dat there house. Now, I think it was a deer, er a cow or some animal dat got loose, but then seen it had a shiny sumptin in its hand."
Mark: "Phyllis, can you try to describe the figure in detail for us?"
Phyllis: "Well, hes pretty tall from what I gather maybe 6' er 6'1" and was a wearin all black clothes. Hes a big feller too, probly 5 times da size of you there Mark. And hes perty slow to, as big as the feller was, he culdnt be movin to fast now"
Mark: "Well there you have it, an eye witness to the account who describes what she thinks is an overly-large male, around 6 feet tall, masked in all black clothing, and carrying a shiny object that resembled a knife. Back to you Lindsey"
(Camera flashes back to Lindsey who is rambling on about the tragic event that has taken place then swings around to a small crowd that has gathered in the neighborhood to take in the sight. In the midst of the crowd is me standing in black sweats and a torn t-shirt looking every direction but at the camera so as to not seem so conspicuous.)
Holy Fuck Batman! That's definitely not a road I need to travel down. Besides, there's only one fat man that lives within earshot of the would-be crime scene so it would be an open and shut case for local law enforcement. I don't think I'd be the type that would fit into prison well either. So that idea is out too.
I also considered taking a more ludicrous approach and just going out and shooting the damn thing, It would be loud, there would be pesky neighbors like Phyllis watching, but at least then I could claim temporary insanity from sleep deprivation and might get a reduced sentence. Oh hell, these ideas suck. I guess I'll have to do what any other pissed off neighbor would do if they had a problem with an animal, wait for the little fucker to get out of his pen and be roaming the streets and run that son of a bitch down in my truck. Then, claim it was an accident, apologize to the family, buy the kids of said family a freaking bunny which doesn't make a lick of noise and everybody wins.
Until that joyous day comes, I guess I'll have to stick to alcohol to help me sleep and to drown out the noise from that pesky dog. I'm going to try my luck again at sleep, screw you all, and Good Night.
Now, the way I see it I have several options here. If I choose to act quickly I will need to be pretty quiet about it. I thought about antifreeze, but of course, I'm not proactive enough to have any of that on hand. So to pull that off I would have to get dressed and make an early morning run to Walmart just to buy the stuff. I can see myself now standing at the checkout line, facing the cashier with bloodshot eyes looking like every bit of the type of person you'd see on peopleofwalmart.com with a single jug of antifreeze. I could probably pull this off were it below freezing out but its a nice 55 degrees currently and I'd probably have difficulty finding the right words to explain myself. "No Ma'am, I have absolutely no intentions of pouring this sweet fluorescent liquid into a bowl and letting my neighbors dog slowly drink it while I pet its poor little head and watch it slowly but surely die a painful death." Plus, I'd have a paper trail linking me to the crime with a receipt and a credit card purchase the night of the murder because I'm too lazy to stop and get cash first. So that options out.
I then thought about just taking care of business in the most manly way possible and grabbing a knife, walking up to the pup, taking its shoulders between my legs, grabbing it by the snout, lifting its head to expose the neck and then WHACK. No more barking dog. This method too contains certain factors that make it a less-than-viable solution to my problem. As with any physically morbid act involving a knife there is cleanup involved. Cutting the jugular of a medium-large canine would likely result in quite a bit of bloodshed. On the animal itself, on the ground and even on the knife of choice. I would have to dispose of the murder weapon and clean up the mess so that it looks like an accident. I thought about hanging it by the gaping wound from the neighbors chain link fence and portraying the picture of an animal who tried to escape but couldn't quite jump high enough. This would never work however because the fence has smoothed over edges and the worst possible damage it could cause is a scratch. Also, this beast has already trenched several holes beneath the fence that are now blocked with stolen road signs and blocks of wood (yeah, I have classy neighbors) so there is no way anyone would buy into that scene. Also, there is always a chance that I'd be seen whilst performing the act and there is absolutely no way I could talk myself out of that one:
"This is Lindsey Clark with the Channel 2 News standing just outside a small Oklahoma town neighborhood where animal cruelty has taken an unfathomable turn. Sometime in the early morning hours a masked man of large proportions was seen approaching this house, where a family is now in tears over their lost pet. The man, apparently frustrated from the barking dog, decided to take matters into his own hands. Wielding a knife, he murdered this poor animal in cold blood by slitting its throat. That alone was not enough. He then took the animal and put it on display by hanging it here on the homeowners chain link fence for the world to see. (Camera flashes to dog with pool of blood at its suspended feet and 2 children standing next to it crying while stroking its cool fur and saying their goodbyes). What type of man would do such a thing, we have a woman who claims to have seen the perpetrator in action and go now to Mark Johnson who is standing by with her, Mark"
Mark: "Thanks Lindsey, I am standing here with Phyllis Jones who just lives across the street from the horrific crime who claims to have seen the act take place. Phyllis, take a moment please and describe to us what you saw."
Phyllis: "Well Mark, Ise jus mindin my own bidness dis mornin when I herd da dog start-a-barkin. Now dat dog dont never hurt nobody he jus probly yappin at some rabbits er squirrels er sumptin. But, Ise mindin my bidness and come outside to have me a smoke cuz my mama whos 80 has oxygen and ise cant smoke in da house. So ise sittin on the porch havin me a smoke when I seen a big critter walkin towards dat there house. Now, I think it was a deer, er a cow or some animal dat got loose, but then seen it had a shiny sumptin in its hand."
Mark: "Phyllis, can you try to describe the figure in detail for us?"
Phyllis: "Well, hes pretty tall from what I gather maybe 6' er 6'1" and was a wearin all black clothes. Hes a big feller too, probly 5 times da size of you there Mark. And hes perty slow to, as big as the feller was, he culdnt be movin to fast now"
Mark: "Well there you have it, an eye witness to the account who describes what she thinks is an overly-large male, around 6 feet tall, masked in all black clothing, and carrying a shiny object that resembled a knife. Back to you Lindsey"
(Camera flashes back to Lindsey who is rambling on about the tragic event that has taken place then swings around to a small crowd that has gathered in the neighborhood to take in the sight. In the midst of the crowd is me standing in black sweats and a torn t-shirt looking every direction but at the camera so as to not seem so conspicuous.)
Holy Fuck Batman! That's definitely not a road I need to travel down. Besides, there's only one fat man that lives within earshot of the would-be crime scene so it would be an open and shut case for local law enforcement. I don't think I'd be the type that would fit into prison well either. So that idea is out too.
I also considered taking a more ludicrous approach and just going out and shooting the damn thing, It would be loud, there would be pesky neighbors like Phyllis watching, but at least then I could claim temporary insanity from sleep deprivation and might get a reduced sentence. Oh hell, these ideas suck. I guess I'll have to do what any other pissed off neighbor would do if they had a problem with an animal, wait for the little fucker to get out of his pen and be roaming the streets and run that son of a bitch down in my truck. Then, claim it was an accident, apologize to the family, buy the kids of said family a freaking bunny which doesn't make a lick of noise and everybody wins.
Until that joyous day comes, I guess I'll have to stick to alcohol to help me sleep and to drown out the noise from that pesky dog. I'm going to try my luck again at sleep, screw you all, and Good Night.
Wednesday, November 28, 2012
Reliving the Past
In a former post I gave you a brief look into how the fat man came into existence. Today though it seems the saga continues as life ticks by ever so slowly. I have always seen myself as the guy every girl wants to find but no girl wants to be with, or more appropriately the "I wish I could find someone like you" guy.
Recently, someone came to me with their problems of a horrible home life, a significant other who was not so significant by my standards and lots and lots of drama. Now, in an effort to not expose my true self or the other person I will refrain from giving intricate details. Anyway, she comes to me and uses me as a sounding board to vent. She tells me about her horrible counterpart and the things he's done in the past and present that have lead to her turmoil. I, knowing exactly how fragile the situation was and smart enough to not give advice to an emotional woman, just listened. This went on for hours, then days, then weeks and now months. Over time, I opened up little by little and gave a few stories of my own which just added to the conversation and a bond was formed.
I did get brave at times and offer up what I would do in various situations, but for the most part I listened, said "I understand" and was supportive through it all. Then it hit me, she popped up one day via text message and said "I wish he were more like you". FFFFFUUUUUUUUU.........
I knew things had escalated fairly quickly but never expected them to take this dramatic turn. I tried not to let it bother me but as conversation continued and the bond grew stronger it started to eat away at me. Granted, I am a larger man and it would take hundreds of years for a parasite of that nature to devour me whole, but every second that passed created a larger and larger space filled with void and resentment. She had really taken a liking to me, and I to her yet something told me nothing would change about this relationship.
Now, I never once said anything negative about her counterpart even though I thought him to be the scum of the earth, just below the residue left behind after stepping in a large pile of fresh doo and wiping your feet in the grass. Instead I stayed positive and even defended the guy at times when she became overly emotional. He was the abusive type that got his kicks by belittling those around him. He didn't see what I saw and in my honest opinion likely never will. The girl, she was a very strong-willed and independent person. Never really took negatively to criticism and used the excuse "thats just how he is" to protect herself from her true emotions.
Things carried on like this for quite some time, until one day she mentioned that she may be moving. She explained that her counterpart had been offered a great job in a neighboring state and that in the coming months they would be selling their house and relocating. I knew I had to act quickly so I wrote a letter explaining exactly how I felt about the situation and about her. But... I didn't send it.
Through all of the time we spent in conversation one thing became very clear to me - I am not going to solve anyone's problems but my own and no amount of persuasion can change that. I knew that the best I could do is support her in the decision she was making, take about 5 steps back, and hope that one day she sees things from a different perspective.
As for me, I did what any noble, heartbroken man would do and turned to debauchery to ease the pain. A little beer here, a lot of tequila there and Viola - all is well. Still though, this chain of events reminded me of the kind person I once was and why I created www.thatveryfatguy.com. To protect me from myself and to cover it up with food, alcohol, sex, bad jokes and ass-hole-ism. Yes, Assholeism is the life I have chosen so get ready world. Close your windows, lock your doors and cover your kids in the bathtub with a mattress because this fat guy is on a mission to cause destruction and chaos everywhere he goes. If I see you on the street - I will insult you, If you are caught driving a prius down the highway - I will run you over and if you wish me a good morning - I will wave at you with both middle fingers held high.
The End (off to pour me another drink)
Wednesday, November 7, 2012
Today, the morning after the Presidential Election, I decide to pay a visit to a friend a the employment office in the town I work in. After a nice hour long visit, I excuse myself to go to the restroom and posted outside directly above the water fountain is this picture:
Now, I've kept up on the entire presidential debate and am aware of most of the Big Bird memes that have popped up. However, this one in particular stood out and made my day. Not only did the assailant have the balls to post a picture in a public area containing expletives, he/she also was clever enough to make that public place the Unemployment Office. Whoever you are dear criminal I applaud you for your efforts and thank you for one of the best laughs I've had in a long time.
Now, I've kept up on the entire presidential debate and am aware of most of the Big Bird memes that have popped up. However, this one in particular stood out and made my day. Not only did the assailant have the balls to post a picture in a public area containing expletives, he/she also was clever enough to make that public place the Unemployment Office. Whoever you are dear criminal I applaud you for your efforts and thank you for one of the best laughs I've had in a long time.
Thursday, September 20, 2012
Kick Ass Chicken
Okay, So I'm normally not one to try and eat healthy, after all, this is www.thatVERYFATguy.com. However, a friend of mine recommended that I try out this meal so I did. Had it not been for him saying I would have both an orgasm, and foodgasm simultaneously from the flavor of these items together, I would have likely punched him in the face and walked away for even thinking I would want to eat healthy. But, nevertheless, I was intrigued by his persistence and the way he described the food. I went to the store, spent less than $15.00 and documented my kitchen adventure. I have to say it was absolutely amazing!
What You Need:
- Boneless Skinless Chicken Breasts
- Olive Oil
- Marsala Cooking Wine
- Broccoli
- Sweet Peppers
- Cheap Italian Dressing
- Balsamic Vinegar
- Something Sweet to Drink
Total cost of the meal and beverage for 2 was less than $20.00. I still have 6 1/2" marinated/cooked chicken breasts which will make an excellent double-decker sandwich after my date leaves and plenty of Marsala cooking wine, balsamic vinegar and olive oil to prepare another meal. Take notice the wine bottle above is empty. That means I'm off to take care of business. Take it from a fat guy the meal was delicious!
What You Need:
- Boneless Skinless Chicken Breasts
- Olive Oil
- Marsala Cooking Wine
- Broccoli
- Sweet Peppers
- Cheap Italian Dressing
- Balsamic Vinegar
- Something Sweet to Drink
I started by taking fresh broccoli and steaming it on the stove. I typically don't like fresh vegetables because they have too much 'crunch' so I started this first and finished with them last so by the time I chowed down they had the consistency of oatmeal.
Next came slicing up a few sweet peppers. These aren't your everyday run of the mill peppers either. I swear to you these peppers taste like brown sugar and powdered sugar mated in Mamma's garden and left a film of sugary goodness behind without cleaning up their mess. They were then placed in a small skillet on the stove with 2 parts olive oil and 1 part Marsala Cooking wine and left to sautee'. You dont need much as these will take a while to cook and soften.
A few hours prior to cooking I prepared the chicken to marinate. This it the absolute simplest marinade ever made by mankind and brings a flavor when cooked that will cause you to... well... have a foodgasm. Now if you are unfamiliar this term let me give you a brief description - - If you have ever been privileged enough to have the opportunity to make love to a woman (and I don't mean second base, I'm talking a home run) and you experienced that feeling of Ecstasy just before you finished and rolled over to catch your breath. Imagine that feeling multiplied by 10 (if your fat) or 5 (if your are skinny) when this explosion of flavor touches your tongue. Sorry, I tend to get sidetracked when Sex and Food cross paths in my mind. Anyhow, the marinade consists of a cheap bottle of plain Italian Dressing and a touch of Balsamic Vinegar (maybe 2-3 tablespoons).
I took the chicken breasts (purchased a package of 4) and sliced them longways down the middle to make 8 1/2 inch thick chicken filets. I then soaked them in the marinade for approx. 2 hours.
The chicken was cooked on a small griddle which had a max temp of 400 degrees. If you have one that gets hotter, use it. These took a little while to cook and to Carmelize the marinade.
<Marinating the Chicken>
<First Placed on the Griddle>
<Still Cooking. Added more Marinade on top after I flipped them>
<Cooked on both sides until the Marinade* is Carmelized>
<Peppers and the finished Chicken Product>
Next, I added my own touch to the chicken recipe and covered the chicken with Mozzarella cheese. In hindsight, I think Parmesan would have been a better choice, but either way the cheese gave it a little more flavor and was melted on top in the microwave.
Finally, I plated the chicken over the top of the sweet peppers, added the broccoli and a large scoop of cottage cheese with fresh ground pepper on top.
As for my beverage of choice, I had originally thought of good ole Southern Sweet Tea. But decided since I wasn't eating alone (and since I actually put effort into the meal), I should go with something a little more fancy. As a connoisseur of cheap wines I chose to compliment the sweet savory chicken and the sweet peppers with a Moscato made by Barefoot. The cost was a little over $7.00 and was worth the expense.
Total cost of the meal and beverage for 2 was less than $20.00. I still have 6 1/2" marinated/cooked chicken breasts which will make an excellent double-decker sandwich after my date leaves and plenty of Marsala cooking wine, balsamic vinegar and olive oil to prepare another meal. Take notice the wine bottle above is empty. That means I'm off to take care of business. Take it from a fat guy the meal was delicious!
Saturday, June 23, 2012
The story of Me.
So apparently I am supposed to put new content up more frequently. People literally searched me out on Twitter to let me know that I had not updated by blog. You people must be completely retarded to think that I didn't already know that. But since you're concerned I've decided to tell you all a story.
You see, there once was a man from Nantucket. Oh wait, no not that one... I'm sure you know how that story goes. And let me just add that this man from Nantucket is one lucky S.O.B. Moving on...
I want to tell you the story about how the fat man came to be in existence. Now there were many events leading up to this account being created, the twitter profile created and to give you the story in details would take way too long. I am simply to lazy to type that long so I will give you the short version.
It will come as no surprise that I was picked on as a kid for my weight. Throughout elementary and middle school I earned the nicknames "fat-ass", "chunky-butt", "tubby", "tons-o-fun" and many more. The nicknames didn't really bother me too much. Okay, so I'm a liar and I cried myself to sleep every night. But, all the whimpering was a bit of an ab workout so I'm okay with it. Once I reached high school I started to gain a personality and discover myself. I was a very friendly person and made it a point to hang out with nearly everyone. This in turn made me out to be quite the ladies man. Not the type of ladies man that actually gets a girlfriend, but the type of ladies man that all the girls came to when they had problems. I was the shoulder to cry on. I was the "I wish I could find someone more like you" guy. I like to think of it as I had more vagina around me than any other guy in the school. Hey, it helped me sleep at night.
After 3 years of this, I finally became fed up and decided to make a life changing decision. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, the fat man was going to diet and exercise. I used all the name calling as a motivator to get in shape. And it Worked! Between my junior and senior year I would run until I made myself physically sick so that by the time school started back, I was a changed man. I walked into the school that first day and watched as people looked my direction wondering who in the hell I was. The only bad part was that I was still the tender-hearted guy the girls longed for but didn't want to be with and frankly, that pissed me the heck off.
Shortly thereafter I started eating, my appetite never went away but with depression slowly setting in, my only source of comfort was Little Debbie snack cakes and Bacon bits. Not the real ones, but the imitation ones in the jar. I was too lazy to cook actual bacon. I became a very angry person... so angry in fact that I once took a lollipop out of the hands of a child, threw it on the ground and stepped on it. I later went back, washed it off and ate it, but dammit I was in the moment. All the years of oppression for being overweight had forced me to take a turn for the worse. But somewhere inside was still that kind person.
My life was dull and boring, very few friends.... so one day I had this epiphany that I would make up a Twitter account with the theme of a very fat guy and viola.... everything changed. I became more social, I gained a ton of followers (pun not intended), and in doing so, I distanced myself more and more from reality.
Now here I am, a bitter fat man who can never seem to appease his appetite. Grumpy, but if you approach me at the right time, you might find a friendly conversation.
You see, there once was a man from Nantucket. Oh wait, no not that one... I'm sure you know how that story goes. And let me just add that this man from Nantucket is one lucky S.O.B. Moving on...
I want to tell you the story about how the fat man came to be in existence. Now there were many events leading up to this account being created, the twitter profile created and to give you the story in details would take way too long. I am simply to lazy to type that long so I will give you the short version.
It will come as no surprise that I was picked on as a kid for my weight. Throughout elementary and middle school I earned the nicknames "fat-ass", "chunky-butt", "tubby", "tons-o-fun" and many more. The nicknames didn't really bother me too much. Okay, so I'm a liar and I cried myself to sleep every night. But, all the whimpering was a bit of an ab workout so I'm okay with it. Once I reached high school I started to gain a personality and discover myself. I was a very friendly person and made it a point to hang out with nearly everyone. This in turn made me out to be quite the ladies man. Not the type of ladies man that actually gets a girlfriend, but the type of ladies man that all the girls came to when they had problems. I was the shoulder to cry on. I was the "I wish I could find someone more like you" guy. I like to think of it as I had more vagina around me than any other guy in the school. Hey, it helped me sleep at night.
After 3 years of this, I finally became fed up and decided to make a life changing decision. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, the fat man was going to diet and exercise. I used all the name calling as a motivator to get in shape. And it Worked! Between my junior and senior year I would run until I made myself physically sick so that by the time school started back, I was a changed man. I walked into the school that first day and watched as people looked my direction wondering who in the hell I was. The only bad part was that I was still the tender-hearted guy the girls longed for but didn't want to be with and frankly, that pissed me the heck off.
Shortly thereafter I started eating, my appetite never went away but with depression slowly setting in, my only source of comfort was Little Debbie snack cakes and Bacon bits. Not the real ones, but the imitation ones in the jar. I was too lazy to cook actual bacon. I became a very angry person... so angry in fact that I once took a lollipop out of the hands of a child, threw it on the ground and stepped on it. I later went back, washed it off and ate it, but dammit I was in the moment. All the years of oppression for being overweight had forced me to take a turn for the worse. But somewhere inside was still that kind person.
My life was dull and boring, very few friends.... so one day I had this epiphany that I would make up a Twitter account with the theme of a very fat guy and viola.... everything changed. I became more social, I gained a ton of followers (pun not intended), and in doing so, I distanced myself more and more from reality.
Now here I am, a bitter fat man who can never seem to appease his appetite. Grumpy, but if you approach me at the right time, you might find a friendly conversation.
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